Profanity is heavily used in this one. So, if you don't want read it, don't read it. One of my biggest weaknesses, is not getting constructive things done. It is extremely difficult to resist Racism / White Supremacy. It's a battle on all fronts:
What do I mean by "Crabs in a barrel"? It comes from the fact that crab fishermen don't have to put a lid on top of a barrel of crabs, because the crabs will pull each other down, as they struggle to get out of the barrel. Such behavior is a characteristic of many Victims Of Racism.
- My Mind- there is a constant day to day battle against what I call the "nigger within". In the minor area of people activity known as psychology, it is referred to as the subconscious mind. I call it the "nigger within", because it represents the negative behaviors that I see within myself and other "non-white" people. It's a "slave mentality" that is constantly telling me that I am cursed, that I am inferior, I am a piece of shit failure, unworthy of justice because I am "black", and that because I am "Black" permanently, I am cursed forever. It kind of reminds me of the "Uncle Ruckus" character from The Boondocks series. I've tried so many things to try to get rid of this feeling. Astrology, Buddhism, Christianity, the teachings of the Hon. Elijah Muhammad, Orthodox Islam, Sunni Islam, the traditional Yoruba belief system of Ifa, Taoism, The philosophy and opinions of the Hon. Marcus Garvey, Afrocentrism, African History, African-American history, Black History, whatever, and many other beliefs that aren't coming to my mind right now. Self-Help methods- Think and Grow Rich, Think and Grow Rich- A Black Perspective, Rich Dad, Poor Dad, The Richest Man In Babylon, The Millionaire Mind, The Celestine Prophesy, The Leader Within, As A Man Thinketh, Tony Robbins, Les Brown, and plenty of other self-help methods that I've used. Marijuana, Cocaine, Crystal Meth, Crack (I tiny bit in a marijuana joint, once), PCP (also in a marijuana joint), Malt liquor, Imported beer, Micro brews, red wine, white wine, Newports, Kools, Marlboro Red, light, menthol, whatever. Hip Hop, Rock and Roll, R and B, Classical, Jazz, Blues, Reggae, I've talked to "black" male, "black" female, "white" male, and "white" female, therapists. Talking to myself in the mirror. No matter what I've tried to use to help stop the fear and worry that comes from being a victim, I always end up still being a victim. I am so beat down right now, I don't know what to do anymore. I am tired of fighting. I am so fed up, that I am tired of being tired of fighting. I wanted to follow in the foot steps of the other warriors against White Supremacy, Malcolm, Martin, Marcus, Elijah, WEB, Huey, Geronimo, Nat, Toussant, Ho Chi Minh, Nkrumah, Mugabe, (I'd like to name them all, but, it's just so many), but they had people around them, that to some ex stint believed in the same things that they did and that helped them get through, I think. I don't know at this point. I do know that not having others around who think or share the same objectives, really slows me down.
- Attempted Wife- I long for the day when I can meet a female (not an invitation) that doesn't believe that I am supposed to worship her because she has a pussy (queens of the chess board). I've had relationships with "black" females (I am currently in my second attempted marriage to a "black" female), "white" females, and other "non-white" females, and they all wanted me to do what they wanted me to do. Not one gave a shit about me and what I wanted to do, unless it related to their agenda, which most of them didn't actually have, because they never sat down to think about. Logically, I know that all females aren't like this, but, so far the ones that I've met have all been the same but, thought that I never met anyone like them before. For example, many of the ones that I've dated, wanted to change how I dress, like I am a fucking Ken doll! Each one acting as though I needed a "woman's touch". I am constantly arguing with her about what "I am doing wrong." She's always looking over my shoulder, when I am on the internet, because she thinks that finding more pussies to fuck is always on the mind of the black male. He can't possibly want to truly replace white supremacy with justice...whatever that means to her. I am not the sexual fiend that the system presents me as. I know how to keep my dick in my pants (which on many occasions has caused some "White" females, to ask if I knew that they've dated "black" guys before. And then I am supposed to be a fucking work horse with energizer batteries that never run out. Drive here, pick up this, get that, take out this, cut that, fix this, kill this (insects! not people!) go to the store and get this or that. All with no consideration for what my objective is at that time. The T.V. and the internet are blasting me with sexual images of females (mostly "White" women) showing their legs, feet, and curves, laying on top of something, trying to tap into that "nigger within", every single day, day in and day out. And my attempted wife is acting as if I have cheated on her already? I think that this makes for a not so good combination of things that could make me crack. I am attempting to be strong, I know that it was apart of the "slave mentality" of the "black" male to be having sexual intercourse with lots of females, but it was the same for the "black" female too. The system has branded us both as sex hounds, but damn, you'd think that both of us knowing this would keep us strong and trusting of one another... well she doesn't know it like I know it, and refuses to here it from me. Slavery talk "makes her depressed" or "do too much thinking." DO TOO MUCH THINKING? That's the damn problem, right there. I didn't know that she didn't like to think to much! Hell, I never thought that such a person existed. I mean I heard of such people, but, I didn't think that any would cross my path. Wow, I guess I didn't think to much about it. I think that was what they call a pun. Neely Fuller nailed it to the wall when he said that most conflicts in a relationship, start with the words "I didn't know....."If you aren't in an attempted marriage or sexual relationship with a "Non-white" female yet, please sit down as soon as possible and write down at least 200 questions (another Fuller suggestion) to ask her, so that you can be somewhat prepared. Because if your a Victim of Racism, you're already fighting with yourself, and you don't need to bring in another nigger to join sides with the "nigger within" and they start tag teaming you. I am trying to get things done, by keeping my office in order (it has become our office, now that I am trying to get organized). Malcolm, Marcus, Martin, Elijah, all had their own offices in their houses. She says "You ain't them!" We're crabs in a fucking barrel.
- Some of my "Non-white" Family members and Friends- Having other Victims of Racism for friends....................... where do I start. Most of mine, (just like my attempted wife) try to get as much of my time and energy as they can, while giving me back the least amount of theirs. Money represents energy. Energy is needed to acquire resources. Hustling, is what we used to call it in the streets. But, the way I was brought up, you hustled your enemies, not your friends. Unfortunately I guess I've never really had any friends that believed this, so I am on my own here. There's a difference between someone genuinely needing your help and someone who just uses you for their own objectives. I noticed that a lot of times, my time and energy is most needed from them when I am attempting to do something constructive, like Resist White Supremacy. My friends fight with each other and want to place me in the middle of it, by making it appear that I am on their side, and then turn around and call me "two-faced". Yeah, I got two faces, one is the "conscious me" and the other is the "nigger within", and most of the time, I try to stay conscious by reading, studying, and learning more about myself in relation to White Supremacy. These friends "borrow" things without permission ( I mean at least let me know so that, I don't drive myself crazy looking for it). They borrow books, cars, clothes, etc, and give it back to me in a worse condition than it was in when they first got it from me, and have the nerve enough to say it was like that when they got it or just act as though nothing ever happened to it. In both cases for me it was books. I loaned a victim a brand new (out of the wrapper) copy of Message To The Blackman by Elijah Muhammad. He returned it to me two weeks later, cover pages all bent up, stains on the pages, and smelling like fish. This nigger handed the book to me, and said absolutely nothing! I was like "what happened to the book?" He got an attitude with me about it! "Aw, nigga it ain't nothin. you can still read it, can't you?" But, I'd of been incorrect if I'd of killed him over a book, right? There's still others who will borrow from you and then act as though the item they borrowed was never borrowed. I loaned another victim, a so-called Guamanian (under the system of White Supremacy, they're niggers too) a book The Richest Man In Babylon. He kept it for about three months. I asked for it back, because I already knew that the longer time a victim keeps something that belongs to me, increases the chance for a conflict between us. He says "I gave that back to you." After a few minutes of going around in circles, like a dog chasing his tail. "No, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "No, you didn't." "Yes, I did." I didn't say anything else. Fuck the damn book. Another, month goes by. I open the passenger side door of his car, as we're getting ready to go somewhere when, what do I see? My book lodged in that space between the seat and the door. I said "hey man, here's my book, right here!" "That ain't yours, that's the one that I bought after, I gave you back yours." N-I-G-G-E-R-S. I should have known better. My dad had rubber stamped his name in all of his books. I have a rubber stamp now, but, I have made up in my mind that if I loan something to someone, I will not expect to get it back. The same idea applies to money. My dad used to say if you don't want to see a friend come around anymore loan them some money. I say if you want to stop people from asking you for money, ask them for collateral. they'll stop. If I see that someone really needs it, and I have it, I don't loan it to them, I give it to them. I am a member of the Bynes Family. It's a family that has been having family reunions for over 100 years. It's divided up into committees. About 3 years ago, someone who finally made it to the head committee, decided that because my Great-Great-Grandfather had a different mother than all of his half-brothers and sisters, that his descendants aren't apart of the family and aren't allowed to participate in the reunions. If that ain't no nigger shit, I don't know what is.
That's my rant for the day. I don't know if it makes since or not. I just don't care at this point. The Racists White Supremacists are responsible for us being crabs in the barrel, because they say and do things that keep us believing that we have to fight each other for the few crumbs that they drop off of the table.
Stay Strong In The Struggle To Replace White Supremacy With Justice