I can still remember my last encounter with a "white" woman. I was working as an Extra on a T.V. commercial in San Francisco. All of the other Extras were aspiring actors. Mostly "white" people and some sprinkles of "non-white" people. Everyone was friendly. It was like we were all at an amusement park or a night club, minus the music and the booze. Laughing, joking, talking, flirting, dancing, performing, with each other for about 28 days of filming. It felt like a family reunion, in fact most of the Extras that were there, were regulars that saw each other, every time there was a movie or commercial filmed in the bay area. I was one of the new ones and so was the "white" woman whom I had a sexual attraction to. There were many females both "white" and "non-white" working on this project, who were attractive (they all looked like models, for Victoria Secret or something). When I say "attractive" I mean any person that people classified as "white" and "non-white" would both want to have sexual intercourse or sexual play with. I was looking to be with anyone of them that appeared to be attracted to me. I was three years out of an attempted marriage, and taking care (with help from others) of my one female offspring. It had also been a year since I had any affection or sexual contact.
Based on many years experience of being rejected by "white" woman, I had learned that for me, if anything was going to lead to sexual intercourse (let me interject that I've never reserved myself exclusively for "white" women ) with one, it had to be them that initiated it.
Anyway, this particular "white" woman was not more or less attractive than any of the other fine females, that were there. She just was. She had long blond hair, blue eyes, and what appeared to be tanned skin. She didn't need any face make up to help with her attractiveness. Most of the females there didn't. She was what I have heard "white" men refer to as a "Blond Bomb Shell".
In the beginning of the project, I met, Patrick. Patrick told me that he did not like to say that he was "white", but would rather say that he was "Irish". He talked (though, I had learned about this already) to me about how the "Irish" are "non-white" people, in the "UK", but that when they come to the "United States", they are treated as though they are "white" people. If I had been codified back then, I would have had a bucket load of questions to ask him.
Okay okay to the point. Me, Pat, and a couple of the other guys, that were "street minded" so to speak, all started hanging out together everyday. We exchanged stories about fights, being in gangs, and small crimes that we committed and how we had a major event that made us change our ways. For me it was getting stabbed, but, that's another story. Anyway, the "white" woman, liked to hear our stories, and started hanging out with us too. By the 20th day, the crew had dwindled down to me, Pat, and her. Someone started referring to us as the Mod Squad. Letting us know about her "Irish" ancestry and because they were (in my mind at the time of the same "race") I assumed that she wanted to be with Pat, until one night she invited me (not Pat) to have drinks with her and some of the "white" men that worked on the project, at a brew house. While we're all sitting together, the "white" men started to compete for her attention with their stories.
I sat quietly beside her and listened to all of them talk. The beer she's drinking has a very interesting appearance, that I had never seen in a beer before. In the middle of all of their talking I say "What kind of beer is that?"
She turns to me and says "Honey, it's called Hefenweisen, here drink some."
With raised eye brows and a scrunched fore head, I'm thinking "wait a minute, did she just call me honey?"
Within a half a second of me realizing that she called me Honey, in front of these "white" men, her beer is in front of my lips. With all eyes on me, I take a sip. At that moment all of the "white" men started making up excuses for why they had to leave and left. I remember one of them saying "Well, that did it for me, I'm calling it a night."
By this point in my existence, I had gotten so many mixed signals from my dealings with females (especially "white" women), that I couldn't tell if what had just transpired was because she really was attracted to me, or a deceptive ploy on her part to show the "white" men sitting with us that she wasn't interested in any of them.
After, they all left, she tells me that she resides in Santa Cruz and is house sitting at a house in San Francisco, with a pool and a hot tub. She says that she does not want to be alone, and wants me to keep her company, promising me that we will have a lot of fun. I thanked her for the invite, but declined, because I had to get back to Oakland, in order to pick up my "daughter". She gave me a ride to the B.A.R.T. (the Bay Area's commuter train) station. I remember her begging me to go with her. There were a lot of emotions that I felt that night. I could not think logically about what was going on at all. The system had trained me to take chances (the phrase "Just do it" comes to my mind), I had learned by this point in my existence, that if I can't think clearly about something, I had better not act on it. There were too many unknowns involved. But, I couldn't help but, wonder ( before the code) what it would have been like, if I had excepted the offer. I know now that it would have only increased my confusion and thus delayed me from focusing on eliminating the system of Racism (White Supremacy).
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Update 1/10/13- I realized today that I also had a deep fear that she might accuse me of rape or something. It didn't reveal itself all of the time (because, I have had sexual intercourse with "White" women), but, I know that this fear was put in me as a child by my father-less, because of Racist Actions against Emmett Till, Willie McGee, and thousands of others, who've had (or were accused of) "sexual play" and / or sexual intercourse with a "White" female and / or "White" woman.
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So the next day we were on the set, she avoided hanging out with me and Pat, all day, until 5pm, which was the end of our work schedule that day. She invites me, Pat, and a "white" man (that was hanging out with another group of guys on the set.) to a bar at pier 39, that was holding a celebration for the World Cup. Pat said "Hey, man this is where I draw the line, going in there, will take me back to a terrible time." That is when I realized that he was combating a drinking problem. He knew better and warned me to do the same, because it could always get rowdy in these types of places, especially during the World Cup. I went in anyway, trying to follow her, with my confused self.
Me, her, and the "white" man, are sitting there on the patio of this bar having drinks. She bought drinks for everyone. About four or five Kamakazi's later I am watching the world cup on the t.v., when I catch her looking at me, with puckered up lips, prepared to receive a kiss. So I gave her a little peck. Then, I hear this "black" male say "Ahhhhh man, he kissed her like she was his sister." Laughter broke out all around me. It was if the whole club was waiting to see if I was going to get with this "white" woman.
NOW, I am determined to get with her. She gets up and goes off to the restroom. The "white" man that was sitting with us, talks with me for about ten minutes, and then gets up and leaves too.
Fifteen minutes goes by and the "black" male who made the comment says "Man, that fine white girl likes YOU, but the white dude, is trying to get with her too. You should go get her, man"
So now I am thinking that when she gets back to the table, I'm going to kiss her passionately in front of everybody (show-offism) and get my "respect back". I glance in the dance area and see the two of them dancing together. So I go cut in and she dances with me. He comes back in, grabs her hand, takes her out the door into the front of the place. I go out in front and tell her to choose him or me. She chooses me. My mind is really blown away (double confusion sets in) now, because she choose me over this "white" dude. He acts upset and then walks off. Her and I walk to a burger joint across the street.
He comes into the burger joint and says "Khalif, can we talk?" I say "what's up?" he says "Hey man, I think that you are cool and everything, but the three of us ain't vibing, dude."
I said "Hey, man she chose me. So get on some where"
He left again.
We leave the place and walk to her car. When we get to the corner about five feet from her car, he walks up again grabbing one of her arms, now we are doing a tug of war with her. She snatches her arms away, lays down on the ground and yells "Why don't you both just f--- me right here on the f---ing corner !"
The "white" man tells me that I should go, so that he can be alone with her. Now, I go into this let me save her from this guy mode. I say "Man, didn't she say that she didn't want you? Get out of here or its going to be some problems." He says "Okay!" and walks off.
Her and I get into her car, and I start to say how I feel about her (You know, cuz I am like "honored" that this fine "white" woman chose me, right?). I was headed for the ultimate confusion, and probably would have never came back. I wanted to feel accepted by this "white" queen (most powerful piece on the chess board) and she did that by choosing me over the "white" man, once again on a separate occasion. Anyway, I was about to ask her why, when he drives up along side of her car and yells for her to get in his car (I suspected that she was really liking all of this attention).
She says "No, I'm not getting in unless, Khalif can go with me." He tells her that is not an option. So she refuses to get in. He says "Okay, come on lets all go to another club." She gets in the front seat, instead of the back with me. We get in the club and have some more drinks at the bar. She goes out on the dance floor and starts dancing by herself, while him and I are at the bar. I remember him saying "Khalif, man, let me drop you off at the BART station, man." Everything gets blurry, because the alcohol starts to set in, and the next thing I know, I see them getting into the car. I rush out and get in too. Now he's being persistent about taking me to the BART, and she isn't saying anything. I'm still saying no. He just starts driving around San Francisco.
It seemed like we drove around for hours, with the music playing, I heard some faints moans coming from up front. I looked up there and saw that he was rubbing between her legs. He looks at me and says "Khalif, let me take you to the BART, man." I was like dumbfounded. Mouth on the floor of his car. I was still dragging it out of the car, when he dropped me off at the BART station, which had closed at 12 am. It was like 2 am.
So, not having any place to go in S.F. and the fact that it was really cold that night, I thought maybe I'd sleep in her car if it was unlocked. I walked back to her car and slept in it, thinking that I would see her when she comes back. I didn't. I woke up at about 9am and walked to the BART and caught a train back to Oakland.
Counter Racist Compensatory Logic tells me that as long as I am a Victim of Racism in a system of Racism (White Supremacy) that my existence means nothing unless I am either of some use to "white" people or I am attempting to replace this system of White Supremacy with Justice.
Anytime that I am not aware of the how or why behind the feelings that I have, when I have them, I suspect that I am being indirectly controlled by Racist thought, speech, and /or action.
CONTINUED HERE
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